eternal sunshine

first entry (again)

2011-12-28T18:33:00.000-08:00

I'm reviving my blog.
I was mulling over new names for a blog and it hit me, I had a perfectly good blog before so why not just start posting on it again?

So what has happened since?
I had Juan - my last post showed two-month old pictures of him. A few months after, I got pregnant again (the drama and joy of which deserves another blog post). Ella Miren (or Mimi as we fondly call her) was born in February the next year (2010). Yes, they're less than a year apart - 18 days short of a year.

Our lives have never been the same since.

So, here I go again...more adventures, joys, tears and all that =D

mommy-ness = happy-ness

2009-04-20T00:21:00.001-07:00

It's been ages since my last entry. And a lot has happened then.
Let me enumerate ---
1. I gave birth.
2. Everything that happens after the moment you go in the delivery room

The first is a picture of my son, the first few days after we took him home and the second is one of him at six weeks. In between those two photos, though it may be just a month apart, there has been a lot of firsts, smiles, tears, wails (see second photo), wet sheets and sleepless nights. Our son, as cute and adorable as he is, is like a normal baby. He will test your patience at 3am in the morning and when all's settled (diaper changed, little stomach satiated and no more wails heard) he'll flash you his toothless grin and you forget that a minute ago, all you wanted to do was cry with him.

I relish early mornings (specially after a good night's sleep for the baby) when the three of us would just put on old CDs and dance and sing. I also live for late afternoons when I would have one-on-one time with the little one in our backyard --- Naynay, baby on the shoulder and the afternoon breeze.

Motherhood is not at all what I expected to be. I thought I had tons of practice with my students, and with my cousins, nephews and niece. But this is a different ballgame. I've never second-guessed myself as much as I do now. And while I did take care of little ones before, I always "returned" them to their parents after. Now - no return no exchange.

I admit, I am not a perfect naynay. When Mama, Daddy-Lo and Mommy-La visit and insist on hogging the baby (meaning --- not letting anybody else carry or even touch him), I let them, while turning on the TV or computer, thankful that I will be able to spend time for myself.

These days, though, I discover that I am happy with not-perfect. Life was not as I expected to be, being a mother and all. It became much better. Because now, I experience the richness that only a child can offer to parents. Finally, I can honestly say, we don't have many but we have much. I have more to live for now more than ever. And in just looking at our small family of three and in our extended family, I see more smiles and I feel much love.

There are moments that I want him to be a toddler already. Asleep at night and already able to talk and play and run around. I think, he'll be less fragile and less needy. But I take the thought back right away. I tell my son, while he's asleep in my arms, "Don't grow up too fast. I want you to stay like this, as long as possible. When you're happy just being asleep in your naynay's arms."

passions

2008-10-07T22:02:00.000-07:00

I've been down in the dumps the past weeks.
Sometimes, I blame it on the job.
Sometimes, on the hormones.

Anyway, in one of those moments that I don't want to get up and go to work, I daydream of the most dream-worthy jobs and that somehow I have that. Makes me go on to think about passions.

You see, one of my most favorite things to do is read about the blogs of other people and jsut be amazed at how they are able to write profoundly about their everyday lives. I mean everyday details such as placemats or cooking lunch. And I just know, that these people are so blessed to have lives that makes sense. And they are blessed that they are passionate about every aspect of their life.

Which doesn't mean to say that my life sucks. My life does makes sense sometimes.

But there are those moments that you just feel you're supposed to be somewhere else. Like I'm waiting.

Last night, I had a conversation with my husband about earning enough for the family. I told him that I ought to be looking for a higher-paying job. But in retrospect, I should be aiming to have a passionate attitude about everything. And that I should make time for those that truly make me happy and not those things that I annoy me.

I think that a good way to make a living (and consequently teach my son/daughter) - make a life!

and then there were three...

2008-08-12T19:46:00.000-07:00

Got the biggest scare last Sunday.
Spent the entire weekend tripping and seeing houses that we might consider buying. Under normal circumstances, it would've been a normal day but I keep on acting as if I weren't two yet. So after a whole weekend of these quite "physical activities", I took a nap. When I woke up, I was already bleeding.
Mark was doing some errands so I called the doctor first, and then him. Of course, by the time I talked to him, I couldn't stop crying and worrying for Bitoy (aka tadpole). So this was being a nanay was like.
We had our check-up yesterday and Bitoy's heartbeat was as strong as ever. That was scary ha, little one.
Every morning now, Mark and I touch my belly and promise our baby the best ever care and protection we can give.
Now I need two weeks complete bedrest. (Not actually the vacation I was planning for but Bitoy and I'll take it!). Even if it is a sacrifice, I don't eat chips anymore...
Because now that we have the little one, everything else seems to be less important :)

08-08-08

2008-08-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

This is truly, truly a lucky day for us.

We're not Chinese or anything but if they believe in the power of this date, enough to bid for the Olympics just to have the opening today, then we do too. Specially after everything that has happeded to us too.

First, Mark got promoted and is a full-plegded manager! Hooray! He has now has more money to give me...hehehe.

And more importantly,

We are truly blessed :)

good things

2008-05-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

The past months have been stressful and quite lonely for me. I have been given additional tasks at work and correspondingly, added pressure. And while this may be perceived as a good thing for most, I have been dreading going to work every day because of it.

But I think I've let negative thoughts run me for the last months. And while I still do not like some of the things I am doing right now, I look forward to new tomorrows, happier times.

Good things in my life right now:

a husband who can make me laugh (although he can also infuriate me some days, generally he makes me smile)
crystallized dreams and possibilities
pocket vacations
Zagu and salty chips on a depressing day
aerobics and aerobic buddies
having work and earning money
calls of Tita Joa! from two little ones
two new ballpens
our new car
old friends

In the end, I know everything will make sense. Until then, what can we do but live through the chaos and take things lightly.

a day in the life

2008-03-01T06:50:00.000-08:00

Whenever people ask me how is married life, I always answer, "Masaya". In many ways, it's because of Mark (if you know him - you already know what I mean). But also, I think, marrying for the right reason makes sense --- and consequently, everything seems lighter, sunnier, happier.

Just a sample, here are some scenes in a typical day:

waking up...
5:30 AM (alarm beeps) Me: Love, pasara ng alarm.
5:31 AM (Mark with both eyes closed, snoozes the alarm)
5:45 AM (I wake up and put on the kettle - for a warm bath)
6:30 AM (after taking a bath and dressing up) Me: Love, gising na.
Mark: Five minutes pa.
6:31 AM Me: Love, tapos na five minutes.
Mark: Ganun ba? Tara na...

in the car, on the way to work...
Me: Towel, Shoes, Belt, Undershirt, Socks, Tie, Wallet...
(Mark takes a bath kasi in the Meralco gym)

in the bedroom, while I'm watching CSI...
Mark: Ano pinapanood mo?
Me: CSI.
Mark: Tignan mo lang sa 61. Maganda ang palabas.
Me: DZRH sa TV yun e. Nauna na ako dito sa TV.
Mark: Five years akong hari ng kwartong ito. Ngayon, ejected na ako?
Me: Kasi may reyna na itong kwarto mo.

Seriously, being married gives me a certain kind of peace and comfort. I like the fact that there is someone I can tell anything to and be my best and worst self with. I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be than here: me, typing away while Mark is sound asleep on the sofa as WWE is on :)

the Catarrojas turned ONE!

2008-02-16T04:35:00.000-08:00

We turned one last February 10 and we commemorated the occasion doing two things we really loved: travel and food. We drove to Pampanga for the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta and finally had the food trip we've been planning for awhile already. Days before, Mark did his research and had valuable advice from travel and food blogs (ivanabouttown and antonblogs), plus recommendations from our friends Dianne and Emer.

Here's what our weeked was like through our pictures:

early morning drive along NLEX

breakfast at McDo, Lakeshore (that's Mark at the entrance)

Lunch at Junjun's (super sarap ng pork barbecue!)

Dessert at Aurely's Bakeshop

MUST-TRY: Aurely's Special --- only Php 130 a box

Welcome drinks c/o Emer at the "Bar"

Pilot and Co-Pilot at the Simulator

Fun day at the Hot Air Balloon Fiesta

This was how our first year as a married couple was like...haha!

Aling Lucing's Sisig at SM Clark

AND...the best sisig ever --- Mila's Sisig, Bgy. Sto.Domingo

MUST TRY also - Lechong Kawali of Mila's

(to die for - literally!)

Needless to say, we had a blast. If the past year is any indication of what being married to Mark will be like --- I can't wait for the next thirty years!

lucky

2008-01-28T02:20:00.000-08:00

Mark and I sometimes talk about our ceremony and the wonder of it. I know that every wedding is perfect in their own way but when you truly, truly prepare your heart for it, nothing can go wrong.

The greatest compliment we ever received was from our friend, Marvin. He told us, "Pag kinasal ako, gagawin ko lahat ng ginawa niyo. Church, reception, food. Kasi ok na lahat eh. Di ko na kailangang isipin kung ano ang ok. Di na ako mahihirapan."

We were lucky because of our family who gave not just their support but their whole love every step of the way. We were lucky because of our friends who are still our friends even if we asked them huge favors. We were lucky with our ninongs and ninangs whom we now see as our second, third, fourth, fifth parents and who see us as their own children. We were lucky with our spiritual advisor, Ms. Marcy, who opened our eyes to what our marriage meant to us. We were lucky with every supplier we got because they gave more than we ever hoped for. We were lucky for our guests who braved the travel to Tagaytay and who smiled and kissed and hugged us a lot. And we were lucky, not just because we met, but moreso because we decided and committed to one another in the presence of God and our family.

The reason why I'm a bit nostalgic is because our wedding anniversary is coming up and I realized that we don't get to think about all the people who helped often enough.

And so, for all those reading this and wanting to get married, here's some unsolicited advice. We didn't ask for advice either but hearing this from others did help us.

1) Get to the core of why you want to get married. When asked this question by Tita Marcy, we were taken aback a little. Parang first time lang na may nagtanong sa amin nang diretso. But when we each told her our reasons, it was also just then that we found the answer. We knew it but we didn't outright say it. Maganda ring sabihin kasi mas nagiging sigurado ka rin.

2) The ceremony (whatever religious beliefs you hold) is important more than the celebration. In our case, we held our Catholic ceremony in a small chapel, surrounded by everyone whom we held and who held us important. Marriage, as Ms. Marcy said, is truly a vocation. In front of God, you are asking Him to give grace to your marriage. And by grace, we don't mean happy-ever-afters, but His presence in the highs and lows of your marriage. And that is also precisely the reason why we look to God, because as humans, both husband and wife will commit mistakes. But with God's grace (presence) and with the guidance of all the people who love you, you are corrected and shown the right path. So it's not just the ceremony, they're not just the guests. When Mark and I said our vows, I truly felt everyone else also committed their love and support for us individually and as a couple. Imagine that! In a way, I married not just Mark but also every person who loved him :)

3) On the wedding day itself, let go and just enjoy. Savor every moment, every smile, every hug, every greeting. Funny that our wedding day seemed to pass in a daze but when we I think about it, I remember the details pala. It wasn't perfect, there were still opportunities for improvement, as they say in training. But it was perfect for me :)

4) Read through your wedding vows before the ceremony. Individually, and together. Because during the ceremony itself, you'll get caught up in all the emotions and you can't really know for sure of you'll be too nervous or too weepy. But during the quieter times, as you're going through the meaning of every word days before the celebration, you take into your heart the deeper message your vows mean to you. We even said our vows to each other, just the two of us, reading our misalette. And in so many ways, it was the most real we got in our "wedding".

5) Lots of people who love you want to help - let them :) We were so lucky that we didn't need a day coordinator yet everything went on fine. My sister Polly looked over the whole ceremony and reception. Our moms and Ate Mich looked over preps in the venue. My brother carried flowers to and from the chapel. My teammate Monica arranged the processional. My good friend Chrise and cousins sang for us. Our friend Ramil was the host. Kuya Jojo drove for us and lent his car. Mark's friend, Patrick, lent his car for Mark. Even my Dad arranged seats in the chapel. These tiny little things were huge gifts for us. We didn't worry about a thing on the day itself and we proved that we were truly, truly loved. Sino pa ang magmamalasakit diba? And so, I also vowed to my friends that can ask me to do anything on their wedding days, too.

6) Gifts come in many packages. While we received some nice gifts, their presence and support were great gifts, too.

7) Give large tips to the waiters and photographers, specially for excellent service. This advice was given to us by Ate Mich, because she knew first-hand how maasikaso they were.

8) Marry the "right" person for the "right" reason :)

letting go

2008-01-28T02:07:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the concept of letting go, perhaps because of some events in my life. And as I find comfort, even grace, from words, I looked over some thoughts on letting go.

Just some words to digest and think through...

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.-- Thich Nhat Hanh

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.-- Joseph Campbell

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.-- Lao Tzu

a happy birthday

2008-01-26T00:03:00.000-08:00

Mark celebrated his 29th last January 2 and I decided to surprise him with a spa weekend. I chose Nurture Spa in Tagaytay, specially because I also wanted to visit Chapel on a Hill (where we got married). The staff of Nurture Spa was very accommodating. The sales officer even suggested a spa package that was sulit and within my budget. He offered an I Blast promo worth Php6000. But it was consumable and you had a free overnight stay at an Ifugao Hut.

And so we went and had a very relaxing stay. I think Mark was happy with my surprise :)

a very blue Tagaytay sky

a reflective pose while waiting for our hut

our Ifugao Hut, Karungan

a delicious dinner

happy feet

capping it all off with birthday wishes from kiara and gab

2008-01-25T17:39:00.000-08:00

Isn't she a beauty?

Lord of the Rings

2008-01-25T01:48:00.000-08:00

I have my very own Lord of the Rings, and I don’t mean the DVD.

This saga of epic proportions started when Mark and I got engaged. See, Mark proposed to me by just saying he wanted to get married. In the car, going to a mall (I think). No big dinner, no fireworks, and no ring. And I must admit I was a little bit disappointed. Not because of the absence of a ring but with the absence of a transition, a passing of sorts. That act when he would formally ask me and I would say yes. When I thought about it in retrospect, though, I rationalized my disappointment by thinking that it was just as well, since we were saving up for the wedding and the house and future expenses we still didn’t know.

We got married and such joy to have our wedding rings to symbolize our vows to each other. I never took mine off. He sometimes forgets and I chide him that he was cavorting with a married woman.

Now, girls being girls, I still wanted to invest in jewelry. I bought diamond earrings and just told Mark I forked out a formidable sum after the fact, since I knew jewelry was not high on his list of priorities and that he might tell me not to buy it anymore. After I did tell him, he went on about him not giving much attention to jewelry because unlike other things, like a bigger TV, a PSP or new mags for the car, jewelry does not have any practical value. And so I took it all in, but added that I do like jewelry, specially the ones my lola, mom and aunts gave me and that I bought the earrings because it was something I saw myself giving my own daughter.

Last Christmas, when we weren’t supposed to give gifts (because we wanted to save, after all), I gave him a watch that he wanted to buy for so long. And because he felt guilty, he wanted to buy me a cellphone --- which I didn’t want. A fight even broke out because of this.

But on Christmas Eve, a little before twelve, he gave his real gift --- an engagement ring! Or, a post-engagement ring… or a marriage ring? Anyway, he gave me the ring to symbolize our promise and to remind me that we indeed came to terms about our engagement.

It wasn’t the traditional kind with wine and roses and sweet words and fireworks. It was in a car with two people graced with acceptance of each other and who knew in their hearts that they were willing to work things out with the other no matter what. It was just a simple conversation and deep connections. And that the ring came after --- when they had enough money saved and had more than extra. And I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

When my friends, daughter or granddaughter ask me, excitedly, how did Mark/Tatay/Lolo propose, I would smile, and say, “Well, he proposed after we got married…”

Happy Stumbling!

2008-01-24T05:40:00.000-08:00

I came across the phrase Stumbling in a book by psychologist Daniel Gilbert entitled, “Stumbling on Happiness”. We do not actually forecast when we will be happy, rather we stumble upon happiness by chance.

When I think of “stumbling”, I look at it in another way…as in literally stumbling. Falling, plummeting, nose-diving, crashing---that kind of stumbling. Stumbling or falling has been one of my irrational fears, even until now. Whenever, I would go down a flight stairs, I would irrationally be a little scared of taking a tumble and being humiliated in front of everyone. So until now, I take each step carefully and slowly.

I guess this means that I never want to make mistakes. And it shows, from my obsessive-compulsive behavior. I look over reports carefully; make sure all details are covered; write down everything so I’ll never forget; take notes tediously; write long essays in exams to get the maximum score possible. And when I do make mistakes, I experience anxiety that is so illogical and unreasonable even my rational mind cannot explain.

Take for instance, something that was bothering me for two full days before I finally had the guts to face my fears and admit my mistake. I was in charge of logistics for one of the upcoming major workshops and I confirmed reservations for a venue which we hadn’t actually secured. And so, when we weren’t able to eventually get the venue, it was up to me to fess up, explain to my supervisors the situation and my mistake, and bear their anger or disappointment. And so for two days, I had no appetite, my hands were cold and clammy, and I clutched my rosary for guidance and protection. I actually held out for two days, in the hope that something dramatic will happen, like a postponement of the workshop or the other client will be struck by mercy and give us the room or that I’d get offered a new job. I didn’t want to face the day that I would admit that I was mistaken, that I did not deliver. (Actually, a big part of my anxiety was because of the personalities and temperaments involved as well --- but that’s another story).

When that day came, finally (I had no other choice), I took up all my courage and just said it. And what relief I felt right after. My immediate superior did not get angry (thankfully!). And I was unburdened of the fears I carried for some time already. I don’t exactly know the repercussions yet to come. (As I said, temperaments of people involved are unpredictable – so irrational our rational minds cannot explain it). I might get scolded even more. People may get scolded because of me. I probably will not lose my job but the next two months will be like hell.

But in the final analysis (and after asking “Why?” numerous times), I think this event tells me more. I was so scared of stumbling but when in fact, it was really nothing. And so you make mistakes and get bit a little. But then you learn not to go near snakes.

And this incident told me that I need to change something in myself. I’m so scared to stumble and make mistakes that I have risked so little my entire life. I have not spoken up when I knew exactly what to say. I have avoided any confrontation when I was in the right. I have balked at the idea of a grander job because of fear that I may not be good enough.

And so, while I’ve taken my steps ever so carefully, I see now that I haven’t gotten really far. What blessing to know these things now, before it was too late!

Now, I look forward to 2008. I think I’m ready to take more stumbles than I’ve ever had. I may have more scrapes and wounds but I’d rather have that than miss out.

So, instead of a Happy New Year, let me greet you, “Happy Stumbling!”

wedding stuff...finally

2008-01-05T06:54:00.000-08:00

11 months from the day we got married, we approved the final lay-out of our album. Mark says I look over the details too much but I didn't want to see wrong grammar in the album (naging teacher pa naman din kami). After the long wait, we expect to see the finished product in the next few weeks. I can't wait.

To see the lay-out, you can visit this link.

The wedding was as beautiful as you see in the pictures (even better pa nga). Thank you again for sharing these moments with us. :)

same sunshine

2007-12-28T18:55:00.000-08:00

We moved!
From the old blog, we now have the samesunshine.blogspot.com.
A change in marital status and email address, thus, the new blog.
Hope you enjoy reading as much I enjoy posting :)

If you want to look at the old blog, visit the link at the left.

And, HAPPY 2008!