Happy Stumbling!

I came across the phrase Stumbling in a book by psychologist Daniel Gilbert entitled, “Stumbling on Happiness”. We do not actually forecast when we will be happy, rather we stumble upon happiness by chance.

When I think of “stumbling”, I look at it in another way…as in literally stumbling. Falling, plummeting, nose-diving, crashing---that kind of stumbling. Stumbling or falling has been one of my irrational fears, even until now. Whenever, I would go down a flight stairs, I would irrationally be a little scared of taking a tumble and being humiliated in front of everyone. So until now, I take each step carefully and slowly.

I guess this means that I never want to make mistakes. And it shows, from my obsessive-compulsive behavior. I look over reports carefully; make sure all details are covered; write down everything so I’ll never forget; take notes tediously; write long essays in exams to get the maximum score possible. And when I do make mistakes, I experience anxiety that is so illogical and unreasonable even my rational mind cannot explain.

Take for instance, something that was bothering me for two full days before I finally had the guts to face my fears and admit my mistake. I was in charge of logistics for one of the upcoming major workshops and I confirmed reservations for a venue which we hadn’t actually secured. And so, when we weren’t able to eventually get the venue, it was up to me to fess up, explain to my supervisors the situation and my mistake, and bear their anger or disappointment. And so for two days, I had no appetite, my hands were cold and clammy, and I clutched my rosary for guidance and protection. I actually held out for two days, in the hope that something dramatic will happen, like a postponement of the workshop or the other client will be struck by mercy and give us the room or that I’d get offered a new job. I didn’t want to face the day that I would admit that I was mistaken, that I did not deliver. (Actually, a big part of my anxiety was because of the personalities and temperaments involved as well --- but that’s another story).

When that day came, finally (I had no other choice), I took up all my courage and just said it. And what relief I felt right after. My immediate superior did not get angry (thankfully!). And I was unburdened of the fears I carried for some time already. I don’t exactly know the repercussions yet to come. (As I said, temperaments of people involved are unpredictable – so irrational our rational minds cannot explain it). I might get scolded even more. People may get scolded because of me. I probably will not lose my job but the next two months will be like hell.

But in the final analysis (and after asking “Why?” numerous times), I think this event tells me more. I was so scared of stumbling but when in fact, it was really nothing. And so you make mistakes and get bit a little. But then you learn not to go near snakes.

And this incident told me that I need to change something in myself. I’m so scared to stumble and make mistakes that I have risked so little my entire life. I have not spoken up when I knew exactly what to say. I have avoided any confrontation when I was in the right. I have balked at the idea of a grander job because of fear that I may not be good enough.

And so, while I’ve taken my steps ever so carefully, I see now that I haven’t gotten really far. What blessing to know these things now, before it was too late!

Now, I look forward to 2008. I think I’m ready to take more stumbles than I’ve ever had. I may have more scrapes and wounds but I’d rather have that than miss out.

So, instead of a Happy New Year, let me greet you, “Happy Stumbling!”