mommy-ness = happy-ness

It's been ages since my last entry. And a lot has happened then.
Let me enumerate ---
1. I gave birth.
2. Everything that happens after the moment you go in the delivery room





The first is a picture of my son, the first few days after we took him home and the second is one of him at six weeks. In between those two photos, though it may be just a month apart, there has been a lot of firsts, smiles, tears, wails (see second photo), wet sheets and sleepless nights. Our son, as cute and adorable as he is, is like a normal baby. He will test your patience at 3am in the morning and when all's settled (diaper changed, little stomach satiated and no more wails heard) he'll flash you his toothless grin and you forget that a minute ago, all you wanted to do was cry with him.

I relish early mornings (specially after a good night's sleep for the baby) when the three of us would just put on old CDs and dance and sing. I also live for late afternoons when I would have one-on-one time with the little one in our backyard --- Naynay, baby on the shoulder and the afternoon breeze.

Motherhood is not at all what I expected to be. I thought I had tons of practice with my students, and with my cousins, nephews and niece. But this is a different ballgame. I've never second-guessed myself as much as I do now. And while I did take care of little ones before, I always "returned" them to their parents after. Now - no return no exchange.

I admit, I am not a perfect naynay. When Mama, Daddy-Lo and Mommy-La visit and insist on hogging the baby (meaning --- not letting anybody else carry or even touch him), I let them, while turning on the TV or computer, thankful that I will be able to spend time for myself.

These days, though, I discover that I am happy with not-perfect. Life was not as I expected to be, being a mother and all. It became much better. Because now, I experience the richness that only a child can offer to parents. Finally, I can honestly say, we don't have many but we have much. I have more to live for now more than ever. And in just looking at our small family of three and in our extended family, I see more smiles and I feel much love.

There are moments that I want him to be a toddler already. Asleep at night and already able to talk and play and run around. I think, he'll be less fragile and less needy. But I take the thought back right away. I tell my son, while he's asleep in my arms, "Don't grow up too fast. I want you to stay like this, as long as possible. When you're happy just being asleep in your naynay's arms."